School Woes

Disclaimer: I’ve debated whether or not to put this down “on paper” and it’s one of the reasons that I stopped blogging for awhile. There are things that I write that may hurt people’s feelings or put them on the defensive…but it’s all honest. So, why even bring it up and write about it? For two reasons: #1 – this still affects us on a daily basis and will probably affect us for a long time (it’s a large portion of the family counseling we do now). #2 – we have some friends that are currently dealing with very similar issues and it helps to know that you are not alone.

 

We placed M into Kindergarten a year early. She was 4 years and 5 months old when she started. Kindergarten readiness is a controversial subject, and if you know anyone with an opinion about it, you can be sure it’s a passionate opinion. The early placement was recommended by her pediatrician, the principal of her future public elementary school approved it (with blessings from the reading specialist), but the superintendent would not approve the placement…if a child is not 5 by Sept 30, the county does not receive any funding for them. End of story. So we explored the idea of placing her in K at the Christian school where she was going to for preschool. They have an excellent reading program (she was already reading easily at age 4), her friends would be moving up into K, and the preschool program would repeat the year over. It seemed like a good move.

 

I would have to say that it was not our best decision. In the end, I think it will all wash out okay as she is having a fantastic first grade year and she is where she needs to be socially and academically. But, if I had to do it over again, I would not have done it. It was not a good fit; it was a difficult, very anxious year. It was not a fun, exciting, bright experience that K should be. I even contemplated having M repeat K at the public school so she could get a real feeling of what K is supposed to be like. She was freaked out by the idea, she seems to think all K is the same. A lot of things went wrong and I blame myself for most of them. It was not a good fit from the beginning but I was so focused on her being a model student that I did not realize that she was being set up to fail from the beginning. I came home from K orientation crying, I should have pulled the plug then. Comments were made on multiple occasions that were personally hurtful and detrimental to our success. And I failed as a parent by not siding with my child. Things like having recess taken away for an entire week because of an inability to sit in a chair during lunch time (not walking around the room, just standing up at her seat) and not even telling me until Friday that M has not had recess all week. She was constantly getting into trouble (I would not be told, just have a crying kid that didn't want to go to school the next morning) and then her teacher could not remember the next day why she had been punished. There was no positive motivation, no reward system. There was no “classroom helpers”, no arts and crafts, no 100th day of school, even Valentines Day was a bust as we were told just to fill in the “from” part of the card and not the “to” – so M got a whole bag of Valentines that had her name nowhere on it – that’s important to a little kid. It was not what K was supposed to be. It was a lot of yelling, a lot of negative feedback, a lot of "I'm too stupid" from a kid that is quite bright. (I'm glossing over a lot of things that happened because it's of no benefit to bring them up, but it was a daily struggle of self-doubt and fear from an authority figure).

 

After M was officially diagnosed with ADHD and SPD, I sent in a letter and information explaining these diagnoses and some simple ways to make things easier in the classroom. I also sent in a box of “fidgets” for her to use during the day. The fidgets were never opened, I essentially got an eye roll when I explained the diagnoses, and nothing changed.

 

We did get a break towards the end of February when M’s teacher was dismissed. The teacher for the remainder of the year was much more accommodating to M’s needs, very positive, and the situation got dramatically better. In the end, we survived and are working through the results of a year of anxiety and self-esteem deflation. I promised, never again, to let someone beat my child down to a scared, unsure little girl.

 

So now….first grade. I was very anxious about first grade. Not half as anxious as M was. She bit her nails and picked her lips (both habits developed in K) and even developed a nervous tic. She was going to a new (public) school, only knew one other kid there, and was just not excited to be going to school, period. I emailed her principal throughout the summer (we had established a good rapport the year before when she was first assessed) and M was reassessed by the reading specialist to make sure she was okay to start in first grade. M’s best friend (our neighbor) was also in the same school and grade, and the principal arranged for them to be in the same class. I was very open and honest about M’s needs and the principal felt like the teacher she chose would be a good fit. I was still very nervous.

 

It’s hard to decide what to tell a teacher. I don’t want to go in to a new situation and lay everything on the table because I don’t want preconceived judgments to hinder M. But at the same time, it’s not fair for M to get in trouble for things that just need to be handled differently based on her diagnoses/personality. I debated emailing her teacher but decided to wait until I met her. When we went for open house the week before school started, I took M’s box of fidgets – I even hid them in her backpack just to wait and see. When I met her teacher, it was an instant click. I explained that M had ADHD and SPD and she very matter-of-factly started asking whether meds would be given at school, what time, did I need help arranging that, and what other things would help M. She even asked me if the desk placement would be good for her. I pulled out the box of fidgets and she got really excited, she told me she had some fidgets for the whole class and was really going to work on utilizing them for the whole class. She was excited to see what we had brought so she had new ideas. What a sigh of relief.

 

This year has been amazing. M’s teacher is so nurturing. She is in constant communication with me, letting me know what things work, even what times of the day are best for her M. She seems to find M to be very “animated” and “bright” (definitely not adjectives we heard in K). M has absolutely flourished in school this year. She loves everything about it, from going to “specials” to spending time with her book box. She comes home daily bursting with new information. She's like a little walking talking history book right now. She does more arts and crafts in one week than she did all year in K, she’s learned new games in PE, she’s participated in school rodeos, school-wide parties, and so many other things I can’t even count. She earns “keys” for good behavior and good grades and uses those keys to buy things like permission to wear a hat to school or admission to an ice cream party, etc. They earn “dog tags” for reading books and taking tests on them. She has only gotten in trouble twice the whole year (instead of twice daily), two days back-to-back in October, and after a change in medication and a couple therapy sessions with the guidance counselor, she was back to her awesome self. It has been such a positive year. I wish I could bottle her teacher up and take her along to second grade.

 

As the year is winding down, I pray that she looks back on first grade as the fun, exciting, positive experience that I wish she’d had for K. Next year, she will be going to a new school (again) as we have been redistricted. I’m very sad to be leaving our school; the staff has been so amazing. But at least her entire bus route is moving, so there will be a ton of kids she knows at the new school….including her best friend. I just pray that her second grade teacher is as open-minded and progressive as this year’s. M really needed this year to be amazing and so far, it has.