My boy, Tom

One of the more complex dynamics we deal with in our house is some gender confusion. M wants to be a boy. She wants to dress like a boy, play boy stuff, act like a boy, and pretend she is a boy. On the surface, I'm okay with this. I don't care how she dresses, I don't care that she plays with boy stuff (having two older brothers, I did my share of this growing up), I really wouldn't even care if she decided to be a boy when she grows up. (I'll admit, I'm a little weirded out by the thought but it's not my decision.) One problem we have is that she is not always very gracious when people view her as a girl....she's been given girl toys or girl clothes or asked about something girlie (like dolls) and she's been known to be quite rude about it. And this momma ain't putting up with that. We've had some serious discussions about accepting who we are, embracing what we enjoy, but also being gracious and understanding of common forced gender roles. We've compromised and come up with the solution that M is a tomboy. Only, the way she views it is with a capital T. She is a Tomboy, a member of an elite squad of girls that love all things boys. The good news....her best friend is also a member of this elite squad. So play dates are filled with basketball, sword fights, Beyblades, and the like.

 

I've never been a real girly girl myself but there are things I never imagined I'd be doing as the mother of only a daughter. Like buying mustaches in bulk for a birthday party. Or shopping in the boys section. Online shopping for nongirly skateboards. If you glanced in my shopping cart around Christmas time, you'd swear I had a son....basketball jerseys and nerf hoops, Captain America costumes, giant bop 'em gloves, and boy t-shirts. For her birthday, we had a Mario party and she received things like Batman Legos, stuffed Spider-Man, Batman pjs, Mario cars and games, Luigi costume (did I mention she was Mario for Halloween?), Beyblades, football, skateboard, etc etc etc. She told me her birthday was awesome because everyone knew her so well and only gave her boy stuff. Oh my little tomboy!

 

 

School Woes

Disclaimer: I’ve debated whether or not to put this down “on paper” and it’s one of the reasons that I stopped blogging for awhile. There are things that I write that may hurt people’s feelings or put them on the defensive…but it’s all honest. So, why even bring it up and write about it? For two reasons: #1 – this still affects us on a daily basis and will probably affect us for a long time (it’s a large portion of the family counseling we do now). #2 – we have some friends that are currently dealing with very similar issues and it helps to know that you are not alone.

 

We placed M into Kindergarten a year early. She was 4 years and 5 months old when she started. Kindergarten readiness is a controversial subject, and if you know anyone with an opinion about it, you can be sure it’s a passionate opinion. The early placement was recommended by her pediatrician, the principal of her future public elementary school approved it (with blessings from the reading specialist), but the superintendent would not approve the placement…if a child is not 5 by Sept 30, the county does not receive any funding for them. End of story. So we explored the idea of placing her in K at the Christian school where she was going to for preschool. They have an excellent reading program (she was already reading easily at age 4), her friends would be moving up into K, and the preschool program would repeat the year over. It seemed like a good move.

 

I would have to say that it was not our best decision. In the end, I think it will all wash out okay as she is having a fantastic first grade year and she is where she needs to be socially and academically. But, if I had to do it over again, I would not have done it. It was not a good fit; it was a difficult, very anxious year. It was not a fun, exciting, bright experience that K should be. I even contemplated having M repeat K at the public school so she could get a real feeling of what K is supposed to be like. She was freaked out by the idea, she seems to think all K is the same. A lot of things went wrong and I blame myself for most of them. It was not a good fit from the beginning but I was so focused on her being a model student that I did not realize that she was being set up to fail from the beginning. I came home from K orientation crying, I should have pulled the plug then. Comments were made on multiple occasions that were personally hurtful and detrimental to our success. And I failed as a parent by not siding with my child. Things like having recess taken away for an entire week because of an inability to sit in a chair during lunch time (not walking around the room, just standing up at her seat) and not even telling me until Friday that M has not had recess all week. She was constantly getting into trouble (I would not be told, just have a crying kid that didn't want to go to school the next morning) and then her teacher could not remember the next day why she had been punished. There was no positive motivation, no reward system. There was no “classroom helpers”, no arts and crafts, no 100th day of school, even Valentines Day was a bust as we were told just to fill in the “from” part of the card and not the “to” – so M got a whole bag of Valentines that had her name nowhere on it – that’s important to a little kid. It was not what K was supposed to be. It was a lot of yelling, a lot of negative feedback, a lot of "I'm too stupid" from a kid that is quite bright. (I'm glossing over a lot of things that happened because it's of no benefit to bring them up, but it was a daily struggle of self-doubt and fear from an authority figure).

 

After M was officially diagnosed with ADHD and SPD, I sent in a letter and information explaining these diagnoses and some simple ways to make things easier in the classroom. I also sent in a box of “fidgets” for her to use during the day. The fidgets were never opened, I essentially got an eye roll when I explained the diagnoses, and nothing changed.

 

We did get a break towards the end of February when M’s teacher was dismissed. The teacher for the remainder of the year was much more accommodating to M’s needs, very positive, and the situation got dramatically better. In the end, we survived and are working through the results of a year of anxiety and self-esteem deflation. I promised, never again, to let someone beat my child down to a scared, unsure little girl.

 

So now….first grade. I was very anxious about first grade. Not half as anxious as M was. She bit her nails and picked her lips (both habits developed in K) and even developed a nervous tic. She was going to a new (public) school, only knew one other kid there, and was just not excited to be going to school, period. I emailed her principal throughout the summer (we had established a good rapport the year before when she was first assessed) and M was reassessed by the reading specialist to make sure she was okay to start in first grade. M’s best friend (our neighbor) was also in the same school and grade, and the principal arranged for them to be in the same class. I was very open and honest about M’s needs and the principal felt like the teacher she chose would be a good fit. I was still very nervous.

 

It’s hard to decide what to tell a teacher. I don’t want to go in to a new situation and lay everything on the table because I don’t want preconceived judgments to hinder M. But at the same time, it’s not fair for M to get in trouble for things that just need to be handled differently based on her diagnoses/personality. I debated emailing her teacher but decided to wait until I met her. When we went for open house the week before school started, I took M’s box of fidgets – I even hid them in her backpack just to wait and see. When I met her teacher, it was an instant click. I explained that M had ADHD and SPD and she very matter-of-factly started asking whether meds would be given at school, what time, did I need help arranging that, and what other things would help M. She even asked me if the desk placement would be good for her. I pulled out the box of fidgets and she got really excited, she told me she had some fidgets for the whole class and was really going to work on utilizing them for the whole class. She was excited to see what we had brought so she had new ideas. What a sigh of relief.

 

This year has been amazing. M’s teacher is so nurturing. She is in constant communication with me, letting me know what things work, even what times of the day are best for her M. She seems to find M to be very “animated” and “bright” (definitely not adjectives we heard in K). M has absolutely flourished in school this year. She loves everything about it, from going to “specials” to spending time with her book box. She comes home daily bursting with new information. She's like a little walking talking history book right now. She does more arts and crafts in one week than she did all year in K, she’s learned new games in PE, she’s participated in school rodeos, school-wide parties, and so many other things I can’t even count. She earns “keys” for good behavior and good grades and uses those keys to buy things like permission to wear a hat to school or admission to an ice cream party, etc. They earn “dog tags” for reading books and taking tests on them. She has only gotten in trouble twice the whole year (instead of twice daily), two days back-to-back in October, and after a change in medication and a couple therapy sessions with the guidance counselor, she was back to her awesome self. It has been such a positive year. I wish I could bottle her teacher up and take her along to second grade.

 

As the year is winding down, I pray that she looks back on first grade as the fun, exciting, positive experience that I wish she’d had for K. Next year, she will be going to a new school (again) as we have been redistricted. I’m very sad to be leaving our school; the staff has been so amazing. But at least her entire bus route is moving, so there will be a ton of kids she knows at the new school….including her best friend. I just pray that her second grade teacher is as open-minded and progressive as this year’s. M really needed this year to be amazing and so far, it has.

 

Washington DC

This year in school, M has been learning about iconic American symbols (redundant, huh?). She comes home bursting with newly instilled facts about presidents, landmarks, famous Americans, and sometimes very interesting facts....by interesting, I mean, things like Lincoln getting shot in the head with a bow and arrow. I think she might be just a little off on that story....

 

Anyway, since we live just a little over two hours away from DC and I had built up some Hampton points, I thought it would be fun to spend a couple days over spring break (also her birthday) exploring some of the places she was learning about. Living close to DC, I was fairly comfortable getting around having been on several family trips and loads of school field trips there.

 

Our original plans were thwarted by both of us becoming sick and a winter storm that decided to invade our spring. We had to postpone our trip for a few days and ended up cramming a three day trip into two. But we managed to make it to all our must-sees.

 

We arrived at our hotel just about rush hour on Friday night, not an ideal time for driving but it wasn't as bad as I had feared. We were treated on arrival by fresh chocolate chip cookies....nice touch! That gave me time to unpack before someone died of starvation!

We decided to spend our Saturday at the National Zoo since it was forecasted to be a beautiful day.

M is a rock star about walking and had no problems with the half mile walk from the metro. The zoo was not crowded when we arrived but by the time we left, it was getting pretty miserable.

One of the craziest things at the National Zoo is this O-Line. I noticed the towers and wires early on in the day but didn't realize what they were. We sat down for a snack at a picnic area and suddenly heard a commotion. We looked over and saw an orangutan climbing the tower and then just swinging on the ropes over our heads. It was breathtaking.

M's favorite animal in the world is the mighty lion. She loves it because it's from Africa, it's a cat (she's somewhat of a cat whisperer), and it's fearless.

The lions did absolutely nothing while we were there but M was completely mesmerized.

She begged to ride the carousel and I decided to ride with her. It's a beautiful carousel.

Someone was already riding the lion, so M settled for a cheetah instead. This was okay because cheetahs are fast and she won the carousel race. At least that's what she claims....I think my whooping crane would have won if he'd stuck his neck out!

There is a huge kid's section at the National Zoo....it wasn't too thrilling from an animal standpoint - we drive past cows, goats, pigs, etc. every day. But the giant pizza made from foam was a huge hit. Sliding down a slice of cheese, stacking mushrooms, climbing on top of tomatoes....it was a nice break from all the walking.

I had told M that she could pick a stuffed version of her favorite animal and she naturally chose a lion...."a daddy lion". Good thing it had a sturdy tail, made it a lot easier carrying it around the city.

By the time we left the zoo, it was getting quite crowded. There are a lot of hills at the zoo and we ended up backtracking several times which left us tired and grumpy but we mostly had a lot of fun.

We stayed in Fairfax, only 5 miles from Vienna metro station...a quick five minute drive and then metro the rest of the way. M loved the metro and was excited that I let her carry her own card.

M was so excited to see all the memorials and monuments in DC. On Sunday, we got up early and hopped on the metro attempting to beat the rain (we did!). We had to walk about 7 blocks from the metro to the Lincoln Memorial and as the Washington Monument started peeking through the side streets, I told M to stand still and then slowly turned her around to see....she was so excited!!! I asked her to pose for a picture and this is what she gave me - her impression of the Monument. Love this girl!

Our first stop was the Vietnam Memorial. While M does not understand the gravity of this memorial, she did learn about it in school and understood that it could be an emotional place for people. I'm pretty sure she was the only kid (probably the only person, period) there that was chattering about Maya Lin and Scruggs. I'm completely sure she was the only one that found the long walkway a perfect place to do cartwheels. Needless to say, we didn't linger here!

The Lincoln Memorial is massive. The Vietnam Memorial is simple and understated, the Lincoln Memorial is awe-inspiring. I've been several times and I don't remember it being that big. I had also never been in the small museum in the basement. Watching videos of MLK's "I have a dream" speech and then walking out and standing on those same steps...me a pink mother, holding hands with a brown daughter. Well, it was emotional. I saw things a bit differently than previous visits.

I think M was a bit blown away by the size of Abe Lincoln.

 

 

We had not planned to stop at the Korean War Memorial (she has not learned anything about that) but it was on our way and it is very eye-catching. I had never seen it before either and enjoyed exploring it. I would love to go back when the fountains are on.

 

The Martin Luther King Jr Memorial was one of our must-sees. Another one I'd never been to (it's only a couple years old). Wow! Impressive. You approach it from behind and just are not prepared for the stunning edifice...it is magnificent. The whole memorial is simple but awesome.

And you thought Lincoln was tall.......

There are quotes all along the wall. I love this one, it's more of a challenge, a charge.

There is a good view of the tidal basin and the Jefferson Memorial. Too bad the sun was hiding. We were also just a few days ahead of the cherry blossoms. So sad.

We breezed through the WWII Memorial. It was another one I'd never seen and hadn't planned to stop but we had to walk through it or around it, so why not? We plan to go back when the fountains are on. M had a hard time understanding why her two grandfathers' names were not here. It was difficult to explain to her that, if her grandfathers' names had been there, she would not be there with me.

The Washington Monument is currently fenced off as they repair earthquake damage.

Our last stop of the weekend was the Smithsonian's Museum of Natural History. It was so unbelievably crowded that it was difficult to see a whole lot, so we just hit some of the high points. We decided to do a session in the butterfly pavilion (yes, you have to pay). Our session was 15 minutes long and we lasted less than 3. M had an all-out panic attack when butterflies started fluttering around her. She did not want them to land on her. Sigh. At least she enjoyed the 3D IMAX movie about butterflies....

Our favorite exhibit was the mammals, especially the African animals. Very lifelike and placed in very natural situations. (Did you know lions had armpit hair?)

Lovely, lovely.

Of course, the semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action was a hit (cue music!).

The museum was so crowded (and complicated by some dignitary with a hoard of secret service men), so we did not spend long there. When we left, it was finally raining but it was a short walk to the metro station. We were sad to leave but had a great time and got comfortable learning our way around. We will be back frequently. No excuses not to.

 

We're back......

Yes, we’re still alive. I’ve had every intention of being a good blogger but it hasn’t worked out that well. The original intention of this blog was to explore our lives dealing with the obstacles we face every day but those are constantly evolving and sometimes it’s hard to keep up. It’s also hard to research and post about something, only to find that, a month or so later, life is going in a complete opposite direction.

It’s been almost a year since I blogged. A lot has happened, some good and some not. After our trip to Disney, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. His prognosis was not good and we sort of went into a period of just focusing on day-by-day stuff. I’m very happy to say that he is defying odds and doing very well right now. M finished what can only be described as a tumultuous year in Kindergarten. It saddens me to say that she did not have a good experience to start off her school life and she still gets very upset when asked to talk about it….unfortunately, I was so focused on her being a model student that I was blind to the fact that the environment she was in was not a healthy one. Luckily, we survived to the end of the year but then we spent a very anxious summer waiting on 1st grade to start – at a brand new school. This year has been a vast improvement. She is loving the experience of public school (things like PE, music, computer, art, etc. should never be underestimated). She has an amazing teacher this year who not only understands her needs but has eagerly embraced helping us to find what works. Not to mention, she is a rock star at communicating. Just days after starting school (and breathing a sigh of relief that it was going to be an awesome school year), my grandmother died. M had her first real experience with death and funerals. It was a sad time in our lives, a truly amazing lady gone from us. We took our annual trip to the beach in September, this time both of my parents went with us. We also managed a trip to a lake house with the whole family for a weekend in October.

Through this all, we’ve had ups and downs. We’ve had changes in diagnoses, medication changes, family therapy, and lots of other stuff. M has made great leaps forward in her physical development. We quit occupational therapy because it was not addressing our needs (she needed gross motor therapy and we weren’t getting it) but between taekwondo and tumbling class, she has become strong and coordinated. She went from barely being able to pedal a bike with training wheels last summer to riding without her training wheels back around Christmas time. She is still teeny in stature but now has a loose tooth (something she’s been dying for since she was about 3) so she doesn’t mind being the smallest in her class anymore. And very recently, she turned 6!

That’s our last year in a very (very) small nutshell. I promise to try to blog more and keep up. I think about blogging often but when I think about trying to play catchup, it’s too overwhelming. So I’m blogging from this point forward….with maybe some flashback posts!